He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I FOUND THE LEGS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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