Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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