If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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