Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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