Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
