You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
