I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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