i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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