he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
