Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
