i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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