mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
