I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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