Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
