On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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