It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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