I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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