Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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