I murdered the dance floor call the cops
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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