textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize