hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
