My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
