Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
