I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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