So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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