you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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