cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
