She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
