Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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