she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
