If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
