the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
