you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
