bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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