I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
