life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize