I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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