We're facebook friends in real life
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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