Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
