well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
