thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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