im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
