I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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