Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
