he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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