So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
