please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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