I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize