The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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