Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
