I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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