I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
