I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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