two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
