why didn't you poke me back
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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