You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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