when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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