The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
