yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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